Your Grandmother Carol

My Dear Son,

This is probably going to be one of the hardest letters I'll write to you. It's hard for me because out of all the things that have happened in my life, the one thing that I still struggle with is the death of my mother - your grandmother. I've dealt with a lot of very unpleasant stuff, yet this particular occurrence still brings tears to my eyes. Especially now.

Especially because you will grow up without the benefit of knowing your grandmother. Especially because she's not here to watch you grow. Especially because now more than ever I miss her so much. There are so many things I want to ask her. So many things I want to share with her. I would give anything to have her back again. I often feel cheated. I want to shake my fists at the sky and scream at how unfair it is. And how it wasn't suppose to happen. It wasn't suppose to turn out this way. But this is where God gives a greater grace. I know that she is with Him and she will always be young and beautiful. That neither pain nor sorrow nor illness will ever touch her again. That she is happy that she is with her Savior. And when I think of those things, I try not wish her back, because how selfish of me would that be?

Anyway, I write of her now because today is her birthday. She would have been 59. She died March 29, 1997 of ovarian cancer. When I first learned that you were on the way, I was a little trepidations about your due date. It was so close to the date of her death. (Your due date was March 27th.) Would you be born on that anniversary? If so, how would I feel about that? Oddly enough, March 29th was the day I was discharged from the hospital, but you had to stay. Leaving you there and going home was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's funny, but until now I hadn't made a correlation between the two dates. It seems to be date for building my character!

But I digress. I want to share some things about your grandmother with you. She was kind. And smart. And very funny sometimes. She was one of the most patient women I have ever known. And more than all of these, she was wise. The wife I am to your father and the mother I will be to you have been greatly influenced by the example that she set for me as I grew up. I can only aspire to be the woman she was.

She would have loved you so much. She would have loved being your grandmother. But in all these musings, I am not consumed by despair, because I know that death is not the end. Someday we will join her. And you'll know her. That fills my heart with joy and longing.

I also wanted to let you know that you have her thumbs.

So a little bit of her lives on in you. And the legacy she has left is far more than just your little hands.

Love,
Mom

Grandma Carol's High School
Graduation Picture

Me and Grandma Carol when
I was about 16 or 17